Feelings at the Moment

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

"Empty Promises"

"Dissappointment"

Times like this, being shallow aint such a bad idea. You like someone purely for their looks, and if you get rejected, sure thing, you'll move along to find something as eye catching, and the cycle continues.

I thought one day I will stray away from my means, because i felt as if i wasnt doing it right, i was scared of committment, scared of ending up somewhere i dont want to be in 10 years time with kids, and waking up to the person that doesnt make your heart race...surely they did..10 years ago..so with that thought in mind, i looked further...i dont know whether it was a one stop shop, but i found that person rather instantly. I found someone who i could smile and laugh irrespective of what the matter was, it could be something so small as a spelling error ti extremes of being hooked with a fishing hook, bleeding quite heavily i would be able to to laugh. I can go on forever, on what I saw, but i never really thought much of what they saw in me, i never doubted, i just played and acted on what was said. 

Argh, im straying from the point again...all you gota know is that it didnt work out, fair enough, rolling with the punches that life throws at you, i got back to my feet. Content that I will be back on my feet in no time, I found myself drowing my sorrows and pain at the bottom of a bottle, drinking til i cant think no more, and acting like a wild beast unleashed...it is fun for the time being.

 I tried to act sensibly, and being the person i am, i but that person interest ahead of my own, i didnt want it to be hard and weirds, so smile on my face acting as if nothing happens, weeks gone by and i am good, i am content that things are goin well for her, and let bygones be by gones.

So after a short conversation she wanted to try some food i cooked, so i said i'll cook it and bring it for her tomorrow for lunch, Early morning wake up went down to the supermarket hobbling along ( i cant walk, as i have torn some ligaments in my knee, and underwaiting a CT scan to confirm whether i need a knee reconstruction)...anyways with my crutches in one hand and a shopping trolly in the other, i happily stroll, thinking how im goin to cook and present.

After finishing my work of art, i realise that i was forgotten, and other arrangements had been made, and she had already had lunch...so what do i do...nothing? I cant help to feel such a fool, such an idiot, am i wrong to expect such things? I would be lying if i said i didnt felt hurt, cheated and used.....so i bow my head thinking i am such a loser...

I've never felt like such a loser in my life, i've always had pretty high regards for myself, not i find myself in such despair, looking for sympathy and pity...what a loser i am.

Its quite funny, my friend called me a loser jokingly, and i lost the plot, why did i go off...i guess its the very reason why im trying to decieve myself of such cause...and trying to cover for myself i ended up digging further in my hole and i had lied to my friend...sorry Jane..if u ever read this.

oh well...life goes on right, the world doesnt revolve around me, i revolve with the world.

As i desperately find ways to reumerate myself, i find ways of self satisfaction, for those that know me, i pretty much live for today, and think about 2morrow tomorrow. So here i am trying to fill this void with material things, and in the process of selling my car for somethign greater and greater satisfication, it fills my days with countless thoughts and daydreams...i think i've reached my mid life crisis, as i really want to get a convertible, chances are s2000, even tho i barely fit in it, i still want it...stupid i know, but my friend zac whose gf has a fast wrx who beat me last time has rekindled my love with my rex and letting it goes seems harder then expected.

And here i am going round in circles and circles...

I am really lost to who i really am, i want to devote my life to god, yet i am like a 3 year old kid in a candy store i cant keep my attn, and finding the easier exit for that satisfaction, that is...drinking party meeting new chickies...surely thats not what life is about. I really dont know anymore...

JoRn is lost...who am i