This is a special request from Miss Ong,

Lets try stray away from Soppy Sad thoughts, well there arent any really. My last blog was fueled by an apparent sms that didnt get through, and if that sms had gotten through then this all hadnt happen...but all good.

JoRns weekend would have been quite a fun one, where to start hehehe...friday...as u may know or not know i really injured my self last tuesday, exactly 1 week now, and i was bed ridden for days, doing things i love the most like annoying my mother, tossing and turning in bed, going for sleep walks in the middle of the night i found most difficult to do, i was handicapped, disabled, it was very frustrating, i could go on and on about how much it hurt me and how much i wanted to cry but that would just degrade my masculine manhood to an insy winsy pansy, hahah really i bit the bullet and didnt feel a thing, its true, hahah i was on pain killers everyday every hour...hahahah nehow...

Friday, i could finally walk and drive, so i had enuff and went to bjorns house, we went to the casino, and we lost 100 bucks in no more then 15 mins...hahah bare in mind it takes me about 10mins to walk to the table...i felt like such a high roller, i carefully placed my 2 dollar tokens on bigs and smalls...ARGHHHH i swear luck was not on my side...anyway..bad bad...that place is evil..its only cool when u win....hahaha bjorn lost on pokies...he is really showing his age man...only old farts play pokies...

Saturday went to watch my team play ball...it suckie i just really wanted to get up and play...but heart was there but my body didnt wanna listen....so i watched silently...then after i went to Gavins bbq at south perth, it was a different atmosphere there were grown ups, old old ppl and young young ppl...i couldnt steer away from the questions like "what happen john" i think i repeated myself almost 30 times, i found it entertaining by altering my answer each time, but i kinda ran out of things to say...sigh

After that, went home, beauty sleep then went to chuins 24th, was running late, had to pick up the bday cake that we got made for her at il gelato it consisted of BACI, Ferrero and white chocolate, it was rather yum. After a few drinks...i was feeling tipsy already, that warning sign on my medication must have meant something..."do not mix with alchol" didnt quite understand how can u mix it with alchol, i've heard of bourban and coke, vodka orange but never Bourban Codine? hahahah the effects were immense...then after that quickly hurried to meet my other friend who had his bday at hit studio and metros....

oh i've written so much my figners are getting tired.

lets fastforward a bit

Sunday, went for joes fish shack for lunch, had seafood platter for two and yummy wine, it was expensive but the company and food was well worth it, after nagging like a lil kid, i managed to convince my friend to let me have a go on the scooter cars, i was quite scared i didnt fit, but after persisting i finally got in...now how to drive..these things are fast man...i have never been a hoon, but my friend she surely knew how to drive...and brake late...50km/hr in a 20zone...surely is a hoon!

monday..boring..work

tuesday...talking to angela ong and making fun of her thick glasses...

*pants*

thats alot..i'll edit this bit later too lazy now

Feelings at the Moment

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

"Empty Promises"

"Dissappointment"

Times like this, being shallow aint such a bad idea. You like someone purely for their looks, and if you get rejected, sure thing, you'll move along to find something as eye catching, and the cycle continues.

I thought one day I will stray away from my means, because i felt as if i wasnt doing it right, i was scared of committment, scared of ending up somewhere i dont want to be in 10 years time with kids, and waking up to the person that doesnt make your heart race...surely they did..10 years ago..so with that thought in mind, i looked further...i dont know whether it was a one stop shop, but i found that person rather instantly. I found someone who i could smile and laugh irrespective of what the matter was, it could be something so small as a spelling error ti extremes of being hooked with a fishing hook, bleeding quite heavily i would be able to to laugh. I can go on forever, on what I saw, but i never really thought much of what they saw in me, i never doubted, i just played and acted on what was said. 

Argh, im straying from the point again...all you gota know is that it didnt work out, fair enough, rolling with the punches that life throws at you, i got back to my feet. Content that I will be back on my feet in no time, I found myself drowing my sorrows and pain at the bottom of a bottle, drinking til i cant think no more, and acting like a wild beast unleashed...it is fun for the time being.

 I tried to act sensibly, and being the person i am, i but that person interest ahead of my own, i didnt want it to be hard and weirds, so smile on my face acting as if nothing happens, weeks gone by and i am good, i am content that things are goin well for her, and let bygones be by gones.

So after a short conversation she wanted to try some food i cooked, so i said i'll cook it and bring it for her tomorrow for lunch, Early morning wake up went down to the supermarket hobbling along ( i cant walk, as i have torn some ligaments in my knee, and underwaiting a CT scan to confirm whether i need a knee reconstruction)...anyways with my crutches in one hand and a shopping trolly in the other, i happily stroll, thinking how im goin to cook and present.

After finishing my work of art, i realise that i was forgotten, and other arrangements had been made, and she had already had lunch...so what do i do...nothing? I cant help to feel such a fool, such an idiot, am i wrong to expect such things? I would be lying if i said i didnt felt hurt, cheated and used.....so i bow my head thinking i am such a loser...

I've never felt like such a loser in my life, i've always had pretty high regards for myself, not i find myself in such despair, looking for sympathy and pity...what a loser i am.

Its quite funny, my friend called me a loser jokingly, and i lost the plot, why did i go off...i guess its the very reason why im trying to decieve myself of such cause...and trying to cover for myself i ended up digging further in my hole and i had lied to my friend...sorry Jane..if u ever read this.

oh well...life goes on right, the world doesnt revolve around me, i revolve with the world.

As i desperately find ways to reumerate myself, i find ways of self satisfaction, for those that know me, i pretty much live for today, and think about 2morrow tomorrow. So here i am trying to fill this void with material things, and in the process of selling my car for somethign greater and greater satisfication, it fills my days with countless thoughts and daydreams...i think i've reached my mid life crisis, as i really want to get a convertible, chances are s2000, even tho i barely fit in it, i still want it...stupid i know, but my friend zac whose gf has a fast wrx who beat me last time has rekindled my love with my rex and letting it goes seems harder then expected.

And here i am going round in circles and circles...

I am really lost to who i really am, i want to devote my life to god, yet i am like a 3 year old kid in a candy store i cant keep my attn, and finding the easier exit for that satisfaction, that is...drinking party meeting new chickies...surely thats not what life is about. I really dont know anymore...

JoRn is lost...who am i 

Its almost 1 am and i cannot sleep, i keep spinning round and round, sticking my head out the window numbing my head, wondering if i will fall asleep this way.

1000's of thought runing, sprinting around my head trying to escape, finding an answer is no easy feat.

Struggling to come to grips with the past week, trying to cypher meaning, explanations and solutions is by no means an easy task.

I asked my friend to buy me a jetski, her reply was no, i  said she was nice, she agreed, but she said shes not a sucker.

With this thought going around my head, i ask myself am i Nice or a sucker, the thought its ping pong pung acrossed my head with no escape, meaning no answer.

My friend said his feet hurt, so i said go inside and i'll walk further down the road to by the bottle. I turned around hoping they would be following me, or at least the other person to accompany me...but they had happily gone inside. I am more then happy to go to lengths to do stuff and expect no returns, but im sitting here wondering am i really a sucker.

I maybe sounding so petty, but there is more to this then meets the eye, and I just cant be assed typing it all out, right now its just a means for me to vent, disgress and hopefully have a smile of hope before i go to bed, instead of a miserable grumble.

I am not easily gullable, I am quite pesimisstic on most things in life, but when a beloved friend tells me that i am so important to them, i will believe them, no doubt, and in most cases i think i will put them before my own needs and want...does this make me a sucker? I was happy just to care and see them get thru the day without hiccups that life unexpectly throws at them, and dont expect anything in return, but why am i grumbling about it now....stupid hypocrite i am.

The underlying nature of friendship i think doesnt require things donw in return, its cant be fathomed by counting ur fingers, and more so there should be no expectations of each other. I do strongly believe in this, but yet i find myself struggling to come to grips with this, and get jealous and annoyed at every little thing....again stupid hypocrite me.

With all this in mind, does this mean the way i feel for that person is not friendship? Am i just the everyday shallow fool who gets suckered up by a pretty face and smile. I hope not.

Maybe high creditionals...i dont know.

with all this is mind, i...

I have been waiting for a special person to come back for almost 6months now, and the time has nearly come, I should be estastic and excited, but a fear and dread just hangs over me like a dark cloud waiting for me to leave the house before it starts pouring. And yet, i am still have funny thoughts, funny feelings, and lots of funnies..its sooo funnny that its just ridiculous and callous!

Now my mind is not starting to make sense, i really should go to bed, and i still dont see a point im trying to make. i'll edit it this later trying to make some sense. that means there are 998 issues left...john we are making progress.

I am starting to self doubt, and words of self encouragement seem to reflect and head in the opposite direction like I was some sort of repellent. I guess spending these past few days alone has sort of made me "reflect" and ponder on my problems and thoughts. I never liked to leave an issue pass away without tackling it, nor would i like to show as if i was struggling,  i guess what it comes down to is too much pride. One of my major drawbacks as a person is my ability to neglect and appreciate what i have, either that be money, friends, family etc, and i dont realise how important they are til they are gone. I am taking baby steps and trust me i try everday and everyday i struggle.

Recently I have sumone else in my life, well i would like to think anyways, i cannot pin point exactly it is that i like her so much, i think its everything about her. The way she talks fast when she has something to say, in fear that she will forget everything she has said, they way she looks lost when i talk non sense, but she tries to be coherent and wants to listen, the way she coughs but its not really a cough when shes got a  dry throat, her pure heart, but what i like most is the way she listens to me talk, something inside of me i cant erase. Before you all start thinking this is some kind of weird mooshy story, THINK AGAIN...its only beginning. You would think i would settle and be appreciative of what i have. I tell myself every single day. Yet you know i still find a way to stray...dissappointing hey. Then i asked myself am i really greedy, always wanting more? or something else...i couldnt quite understand. But one thing i finally realised that i never had realised is how much i thrive for attention, and nothing is more endearing then attention from that person. And its something I guess i have tried so many different ways to gain, yet fail.

And when i am desparately failing, do i fall into the trap of goin to someone else for that attention? *shrugs*

This is where Mr. Doubt Comes to play, my god im starting to sound like Seth from  OC. Yikes, anyhow i still must disgress. I often wonder why i doubt alot of things, beyond all things myself and people close to me. Do i not trust myself? or trust you...or both...damn i have issues hey.

and the story goes on, but i rather not say here coz its joRn rated.